Side gays
After a solid five-year run in a somewhat monogam-ish partnership, I find myself emerging on the other side as a 30-year-old unpartnered guy, clueless about how to leap back into the dating game. Initially, I avoided virtual dating apps, drowning my sorrows in Drawn-out Island iced teas, surviving emotional meltdowns at wild property parties, and good, tending to my own business solo. But with hour, my heart healed, and I decided to dip my toes (and thumbs) into the online dating world.
Though I haven’t had any dates yet, I’ve explored these apps, and guess what? Not much has changed since my last dating enterprise. There’s still an abundance of headless torsos and greetings that march in like they control the place. Once you log in, you’ll scroll, swipe, or heart your way through an endless parade of twinks, twunks, bears, daddies, and more! However, when it comes to selecting your preferred positions for sex – something gay men take very seriously – the choices have always been the traditional “top,” “bottom,” or “verse.”
Then, like a beacon of curiosity, the term “side” kept popping up, catching my eye. At first, I imagined
I’m gay and I’m not a top or a bottom – I’m a ‘side’
As a gay man, prying strangers and potential hook-ups alike acquire asked me one question more times than I’ve had hot dinners.
‘Top or bottom?’
Words get me out of bed in the morning, and when uttered by the right people at the right time, they’ve also been famous to get me into bed.
But neither of these – top or bottom – accurately describe what I prefer to obtain up to in the boudoir, so my response has always been a guarded mix of shrug and mumble.
Here’s the tea: I’m actually a ‘side’, a term coined by American psychotherapist and sexologist Joe Kort to detail those, like me, for whom penetrative sex – in either position – does very little.
Getting the peach involved is, quite literally, a pain in the ass, but as for the aubergine, let’s just say that hands and mouths always understand the assignment way better.
To continue the meal metaphor: if man-on-man action were a dinner party, I’d have zero interest in sitting down to a bland meal when the amuse-bouches are so good.
I confess that I indulged in a lot of sex in my 20s – penetrative sex.
It oddly took yo
Rise of the sides: how Grindr finally recognized same-sex attracted men who aren’t tops or bottoms
Every month, nearly 11 million gay men around the world proceed on the Grindr app to look for sex with other men. Once there, they can scroll through an endless stream of guys, from handsome to homely, bear to twink. Yet when it comes to choosing positions for sex – a crucial criterion for most gay men – the possibilities have long been simply top and bottom. The only other preference available toggles between those roles: verse (for versatile).
“Not fitting those roles has made it really tough to find someone,” said Jeremiah Hein, 38, of Long Beach, California. “There’s no category to pick from.”
“Whenever I’d look at those choices I’d reflect, ‘I’m none of those things,’” said Shai Davidi, 51, of Tel Aviv, Israel. “I felt there must be something erroneous with me.”
Last month, however, that finally changed. In mid-May, Grindr added a position called side, a designation that upends the binary that has historically dominated gay male tradition. Sides are men who find fulfillment in every kind of sexual behave except anal penetration. Instead, a broad range of oral, manual and frictional body techniques provide
Last year, I raged about the resurgence of the “Bury Your Gays” trope. This year, a different representation issue has evoked my frustration: networks or shows introduce queer women but don’t actually commit to that voice. It’s as if television is a married man, and sapphics are his side chicks—occasionally dazzled with attention and promises, but forever shadowed by his valid partner, heterosexuals (or, in a few cases, gay men).
This “side gays” treatment manifests as limited promotion and swift cancellations of sapphic-centric shows, compared to shows that feature straight or male lover leads; and as sapphic adore stories/characters appearing less often or less meaningfully in hetero-centric shows than straight or gay male romances/characters.
Examples of the former comprise Netflix giving gay-centric show Heartstopper more promotion than the sapphic show First Kill, then giving Heartstopper a prompt two-season renewal, but canceling First Kill, despite First Kill’s superior initial-stage viewership. Likewise, Prime Video has drawn-out hyped its coming gay intimacy Red, White & Royal Blue, but did little lead-up promotion for the sapphic A League of Their Own, a